Personal Writing Collection 2

Within my heart there is no joy
for I am nothing but a boy

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Death is not to all who see
for he is the one I long to be.
My life is hard so why don’t I die
I fill to many will cry
See what I am
I do not give a dam
(or just end with Human)

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I have no religion for it has not yet been created. I have faith and believe in my heart and shall live my life according to it. My heart shows me greatness life and love it grants me both but my life is without love for my religion is not her existence. But I believe in one thing that there is a God and this being brought forth Christ and they cared for us and love us for us and shall never stop but I believe not in Christianity for they are greedy give with the heart not with the wallet they ask for charity but what becomes of that money do we know you only have faith but that is not enough. Live with God and embrace what he has given show others his joy and they shall be joyous but do not go broke in doing it do not condemn a man for what he says or does for it concerns you not. Give him you opinion but do not cast him to hell for you shall join him in doing so.

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My Lord why do I torment myself? I must embrace my anguish and free the truth that I hide. I am afraid of life it is too much but I must I want love I must find it in a woman who will show me life free me god show me your light cast out the dark and bring the joy into my soul forgive me my God for I have sinned many sins and wish to walk wit you grant me knowledge that I seek so I can show others your glory free this world for it is corrupt

Personal Writing Collection 1

Life is full of hope
Life is full of pain
With life I must cope
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Death is what I seek for I hate life for it drives me insane.
In death I shall cope for it is the true end of pain life is what drives a man insane.
Hope is for the week life is miserable momentary joy is all I have not knowing if I even live I just wont to die to give up and not care what becomes of this world for it is full of temporary bliss nothing is everlasting nothings is for ever for no one will ever love someone who is pathetic and so fucked up Hate me hate me love has forsaken me I need love but no it not I need love to find life in myself.
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I truly need help
I truly need love in my life
I hate myself and know not why
truth is nothing but a lie
I wish I’d just die
no one in this world would cry
for I am nothing but a fly.
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When I look into a mirror I hate what I see I just wish death would come and fine me I hate the reflection for it is a wast of life I do nothing in life. I wast others time being nice suck it get one nowhere but hurt I try to do right to others but condemn myself. I am truly stupid. I know nothing but strangely I care for everything but myself. How can this be? If I could I would condemn myself to hell to save anyone on this earth. No one knows of my pain I put up a front I hide what I fell I never take risks I do nothing be be nice it is sickening what I am. I am not truly a man I less than nothing. I am just alone I have too much pain but this pain is inside. It has no reason to be it is on caused by me yet I can not stop it I need help strangely I’m like this an I know there is a God yet even hell must be better than the torment I cause myself. I just don’t understand why I do this to myself it is truly stupid to be the way I am but yet I again being alone sucks I need someone but who would want me.

Self Refeltion

Unfortunately I have the mind set “If I can not do it all I do nothing” this gets me nowhere.
I try to do little things but again no forward momentum is gained. I tend to stall and restart
thinking for some reason this reset will motivate me more. When it doesn’t I get even more upset
thinking something is wrong and I become depressed.

I have been to doctors on more than a few accusations and have be diagnosed with both Depression and Bipolar I also was informed that I have both Cluster B and C traits (Personality disorder)

I am currently seeking help for my mental illness and in doing so I feel worse. Unsure if I deserve help or should just be left to rot in my own self loathing way I tend to reflect. In this self reflecting I think I am not worthy and think that I have no real troubles in my life, yet there is something making me feel like this.

So that is some more about me. This blog is more of a get thoughts out and try to get myself motivated to learn more. I know what I seek to learn, yet I do not actively pursue it. I sit by waiting for it to land in front of me, still understanding that it never will unless I seek it out.

I seek Knowledge of all types my main focus of what I want to learn is languages (including programing) and religions of this world I live. This has been a goal I have had my heart set on for the longest. It will be a tough road but once on it I hope to never look back.

Consistency or Lack Thereof

Well long time no post. Good thing not many to read this just yet. So what is it with life and its faults that just keep ones creativity idle. So last post I set a deadline to create a game and well noting came from it. I have been well self loathing a bit and it is not good. I have ups and downs but noting keeps me moving in the direction I want to go. Many things keep me stagnant and I can not find out how to overcome them. I know it is up to me yet I can not motivate myself and it sucks. I have come to a point that is just unsettling yet I do not try to improve.

Deadlines do not work as I hoped so not sure how often I will keep posting but I will do my best. It is odd my mind races and thoughts pop in and out but once I try to get them down the vanish. I now have a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with thoughts I can write them down. It has come in handy a few times.

My shell is not yet cracked and I still hide from the world that is outside but I will overcome it. I need to do it sooner rather than later.