I now sit here just receiving news that to me is dire. The news is not that of a lost of a loved one or something that deserves me talking to a deft world. It is just me getting denied form disability.
For over hour years I have convinced myself someway that I am not able to work. At the start I myself did not believe it, yet now in this time of my an “Unfavorable” clam for disability I see myself in a way the reflects uncertainty. When I first got this letter my world felt like it stopped and this is not even twenty-four hours after the fact.
So what now? Well, a thoughts about ways to leave this world none that I see myself capable of doing and I find myself questioning why. Why is it that there is a part of me that wants to exist? At this moment in my life I can not see myself working a ‘normal’ job, yet I can not put reason to this. I am smart the ‘doctors’ have even stated this in their reviews of me and I do see it in myself but motivation and pure laziness just keep me from doing anything.
Am I truly disabled? Fact is I do not know. I try not to think about what gos on in my mind as there is one place my mind seems to venture, Death not existing or better off never being born. I see the world as better off without me. Have have not accomplished any thing in my nearly 31 years of ‘living.’ I have worked many jobs in the past most lasting over a year. So I know somewhere deep within I can work yet at this moment I feel that I cannot.
What where my ‘impairments’? Now this is what has been said since I have sought out help by a Dr of some kind: Bipolar Disorder, Depressive Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder and Personality Disorder. What all this means? Well I do not know they are ‘labels’ in a world where ‘labels’ are the norm. I do know there is something wrong with me and in some way shape or form keeps me from being a ‘normal’ member of society. Now all this is in my head this is true but I have many things going on in it that at times I do not know what way is up.
I so hope I do not take a more self destructive approach to this and I need to clear the air even if saying it out load is seen as a call for ‘attention to me’ or what ever some say about a person expression there thoughts of suicide as a ploy of some type.
I think this is good for now. I wold like feedback as this is therapeutic for me. Even if you are one of the many people that I believe exist in this world that would just say “Go ahead and just kill yourself” so be it. Oddly in my attempt to ‘put myself out there’ in this internet world I have yet to see the hate that I expected from it.