I sit here mind going to that dark place once more thinking about how the world would be better of without me and I truly believe it. As it is now I have nothing to offer nothing to share but I want to find that spark that joy that is life. I think of what could be and and hope that some day soon I can say that I have lived. Today is not that day, this day I am in a mood of hopelessness and disrepair
It is not that easy fro me to convey how my mind works or why I would like to not be alive, there is just something in me that is broken, lost and would love to fix it yet I do nothing but waste away. IF only I could see myself as more than a waste, something that is living and not a waste.
I do hope and dream. I want more than what I have as does every other person that is out there but I do not go out and do what is needed. I need help and I do receive some but I need more. Medication and therapy only do so much what is left is up to me and I am the one who sees myself as this waist so how in the world am I going to find value in something I despise.
I seek a life worth living and I will do more to achieve it but I need someone who has no reason to say “You are worth it” Without it I am just an empty shell void of any determination to do what must be done.
I did not want to but I will still post this and hope that someone would give me feedback on it
Once more I am going to link to Life Reset: My Personal Journey and ask you to read it and give me some feedback in this. I am at a point in life that is a bit off putting and need someone to talk to me.
Finding value in ones self is not an easy thing to do. I for one do not know my true worth, I am lost in this world. Searching, waiting for something to find me, something that is never going to just come to me and say hey I am what you seek. Yet I wait I do not move and life passes me by. I try to find things that make me think that push me further than where I am and move but not as fast as I want. I want more I want a life and I want to live it.
I have plans and thoughts, dreams ambitions and many things that can be done with effort. Yet I have not motivation to do any of it. I can become more if I just pushed harder and overcame the weakness that is within me. To rise up and grab hold of something that is solid something that is moving. I can not do this alone I can not do this without a helping hand.
Asking For your Help!
I would like who ever is reading this to go and check out and read it and if you can give me your feedback if you can not donate.
It is not good at all when your mood gos from a happy one to a sad one with out any real reason. From having fund to wanting to die without any notice or real cause.
Yes I am sad that I have yet to get one donation for my indiegogo even if it is just day one. But that is not what set me off. I do not even know what set me off I just had my feeling hurt and took it too hard. Over a game, relay. Am I this messed up that I got upset by not being able to play the way I wanted. Yes and it sucks! I want a normal life I want to live I want to enjoy things and not get depressed when someone does something so minute. Odd thing I am done with the game I just left it. It is not an only game or a video game but one played in the mind called Dungeons and Dragons.
I got upset over not being able to play “smart” I am not one to “meta” but I felt that my character was going to be different to try and play something to try and be part of a world that is full of magic and wonder. And than told nope that is not common your character would not know it by the DM hurt. It is a world of magic and wonder, a world where the player is playing someone that is not typical.
A bit of a rant yes but you know what if I can not get that thing funded I shall need to find a way to live and to express myself. And to the few that read this if any as all I get is likes and subs but no comments would be nice to hear something even an insult.
I posted yesterday about my indiegogo and well as I see it may not get done. There is still time a month in fact to get it funded.
Why would someone fund this?
I have asked myself this a few times and deep down there is an answer that I can not bring to the surface. I know what I want to do with the money and it is more than buying a computer. I have lived a life of depression and self hate that I find my own feelings to be nothing more than a joke. I want to explore something new in life to do something that I think is good for me.
What Are You Asking?
I am asking for money. I am asking four you to buy into something that has no value, Me. I truly see myself as a waste and well with this I shall have all the proof I need. Yet I want to improve, to rise up above my self destruction and this is me reaching up for someone to pull me out of this hole that I have dug myself into.
More Than Just Games
With this funded I will do more than just games I will reach deep within and start to explore myself. I shall blog about what I feel and how my thoughts effect me and the people around me. I will prove to myself that I have value and that life is worth living.
How is Having Someone buy You a Better Computer Going to help?
It will help by allowing me to step away from the limitations I have now. I will use the improved computer to work on things that will provide entertainment for others. Enjoyment for both me and the people that support this project.
So What do I need to do if I want to Help?\
Go over to Lets Build: My Life with a New Computer and donate a dollar. The thing with crowd funding is everyone can help.