Self Defeat

Life is a journey, one that I have traveled with hardship and self loathing. Time and time again, I try to reset, reformat myself into something that is not mine. I seek out the impossible, unattainable, and downright useless part of who I am. I’ve lost long before I began, do with the fact that I am not trying to change I do not want to move past this comfort zone that I am in.

Days turn into weeks, months and then years, and yet I have not improved, I have not moved passed the loathing and despair that I feel towards myself. I am selfish, spoiled an unworthy of life, yet I live, I survive for what? For what reason am I even alive, as I have nothing to offer this world.

By my own will, I am defeated, lost, my mind scattered into an endless mess. There is no grace no hope within me, yet I am alive, I am wasting time, energy and resources that could be used for anyone other than me.
Yet even with all that I want to move past it all and do something with my life. I dream of waking and moving past this anguish that I endure. To climb out of this self dug hole that I am in. To rise above all of it and become something more.