Fleeting Respite

Jagged, hurt and alone. I have not sentiment for self pity, but I am lost, afraid and seek guidance, someone help me, anyone. I call out in the night for some reply from any who may hear, for any who has a voice come to me and give me your thoughts your aid your love. Lost alone, never without questions I seek something, something I can not see or hear something within me that is vacant.

Whispers in my mind say that the day is not done, that I must move on from the sorrow I have in this world, for myself since I am not alone.

Night turns to day and yet the feeling of self is not lost and I am wondering what will be next, what will this day bring. Who am I to question why am I here, more questions yet no one to answer.

Fear turns into doubt and doubt into self hate I am without but I am full of more that I can imagine. Felling loneliness I ponder what is next what will be. I look to what may be and find nothing, darkness a pitch black veil have the unknown yet I sit idle and wait for the world to move by without any thought of what time is wasted, time that could be used for something more.

A Dream: PCH Week One

A Dream
After my last post I felt like I got a bit too depressed and lost track on the main subject of the post, so today I am going to think even more on what I am going to do if I won the publisher clearing house 7000 a week for life. I will also take it one week at a time one what I would spend things on. This will be a daily task set forth by me so I can do something a bit more productive, if you can call wishing productive.

Taxes
Now first off I know that I will not end up with the full $7,000 each week, taxes and all. I shall figure 25% would go to taxes giving me a total of $5,250 to work with each week. That is more than enough for all the things I want and need.

Establish my Credit
So for my first week I would do the most basic of things and that is make sure all my debt is payed off. This way I establish good credit that I can use to buy the big things needed to live. I estimate my total debt is just under $4,000 if that so I will just say it is $4,000 to have a number in mind for it. With the remaining funds I would pay towards my grandmothers debt.

So in short I first week would not be nothing spectacular it would be my first step towards investing in myself and my future. The most basic of things that could be done with an influx of cash. I will get more creative as I dream up each week and what I will do with the money if I had it. Until next time good luck and live happy.

If I Won pch.com SET FOR LIFE

About a year ago I wrote what I would do If I Had a Million Dollars well today I am going to think and ponder on what I would do if I won http://www.pch.com/ “SET FOR LIFE”

If I Won pch.com SET FOR LIFE
As it stands I live yet I am not living. You see I just exist, I have no job, car or any real source of income. I stay with my grandmother and before that my sister. I am a waste. I take up resources that could be put to better use. I am trying to get on disability to try and climb out of this hole that I have dug myself into.

Now in the past I have worked, saved money and well had a life but things have taken a toll on me that well if with out the support of people that love me I would no be here today. Yes others have it worse and still live day by day but you know what I am not them I am me. And in my mind I am not worth anything, I have nothing to strive for nothing to reach out for. I am just – well I do not truly know -…

I have prayed for many things death being one of them. Today I pray for life and a way to live it. Approval for my disability claim would be great but today I am here to pray and ask for even more. To be set for life.

One of the first things I would do is repay the people who have been kind to me. It would not take much as true loved ones would not ask for more than they need.
Once that is set I would move on to me, an investment in myself and my future. I would learn. The things I want to learn are vast; languages, computer programming, writing, world religions, and yet that is just the start to what I want to learn. There are just too many things I want to know.

I would build upon the cash flow that I have and create a non-profit organization. I would share with others this new found wealth. I would be able to create jobs for people that I know, real jobs that have an affect on the world around not just paying them to do nothing.

Lets be real this money would be income so it would be taxed so I would not exactly have the full $7,000 lets say I end up getting $4,000 a week after all taxes are taken out. Yea that is a lot considering me and my grand mother only live of 7k a year.

So we are going to work with this 4k a week and think about how we would spend it. Nothing from above would change I would invest in myself and people I know, work to create jobs from this influx in cash that I have and well try to live a life -short and sweet- I would improve, well I hope I would but money is not a cure in fact it could cause more harm than good if not thought out on how and what you want to use it on. And getting so much so quickly would well be world changing for nearly anyone.

With the new found wealth I would buy a car, house and well a good computer setup for myself. I live and breath on the internet and if you read any of my past post you would see this. I hope and dream that I win but the chances are slim and well I am not going to hold my breath.

I have mostly rambled and yet I am not done many of you have left now and to any that is still reading this, thank you.

It is not easy to say exactly what I would do with this new found wealth. I know what I would want to do with it but to actually do it is another thing. What ifs and dreams are not reality and we never know who we are until we are put to the test. I want to say I would not succumb to greed, that I would do my best to over come my depression but we are not sure. For all I know I get this cash and well find it not enough or find that it is too much. What then? Life is harsh and well money is just one part of it. with out the people to love we are alone and to think that money will be the end all be all is just dumb. I want to live a life not buy one.

Yet I hope that I win, just to prove to myself that I am worth it. Sigh, the more I think about it the more depressed I get. I want money, I need it.

… maybe this was not a good ideal but what ever.

What Is PCH “SET FOR LIFE”?
Well it is a chance to win $7,000 a week for the rest of your life. For more info just check out there site.

I am an Internet Beggar

It just hit me. I am begging for money and it is not bothering me. I am a bit scared at this. You see I do not truly think someone will come along and give me the money, yet I hope and wish the would. I have turned that “I wish”, “what if” into posts. The post are there for me mostly, they are a cry from deep within. How would the money help me? It is just money and money can not buy happiness. You see happiness is not a measurement of what one has, it is what one feels. Money can lead to temporary joy but life is full of moments that pass and than the darkness returns and you are left in the cold dark place in your mind.

I wish and dream that I could change in an instant but I can not I am not and will not be anything until I allow myself to fail. I fear failing, it is natural I know yet I do not understand why. I also fear success, as I think if I became something other than what I am I would not like it. Change comes and it is not welcome but deep done I need it.

I am a leach, I live off the others. I am on food stamps and stay with my grandmother. It is sad. I do nothing that would be considered productive yet I am alive, why? It pains me to see others die when they have a life. I would like to be the one to die. I would like for death to find me, for I do not live. I waste my life and my time doing nothing. It is sad.

I want to change, I want to live I want to see what life is and this is why I beg this is why I seek out money to see if someone sees some value in me. I do not want a handout but I am not afraid to ask who knows someone may just be the person to give me money but there are far more better things to spend it on.

Hey look me begging for more money online fundly.com/life-reset

Newegg Wishlist

Well not that anyone will go and buy this stuff for me. I am looking for a new computer, one I want to put together myself if you wish to buy a part checkout my wishlist on newegg.com

As I am dreaming thinking someone will come and buy me parts why not go all the way and put some laptops for you to buy me. O and why not here are some full build systems with outrageous price tags.

Jokes aside I would like to get something that would allow me to rise above my own self doubt. This is not a joke in any way I would like to get a new system set up and to use it to live a better life. It will help me it will.