A self infected hash life is what I live. I want more but stand idle, I hunger for knowledge but never look beyond my own door. Why is it that I can not move past the stagnant waste I have become? Why do I wait for something that will never show up?
I want more I want lots more than the nothing that I am, yet I do nothing to improve. I sit and wait for some miracle, some divine intervention that will lift me up for my isolation and move me in a way that I could never imagine.
I am nothing and shall forever remain nothing until I wake up and live a life. I am my own miracle and I am the only one that can change me.
I sit here mind going to that dark place once more thinking about how the world would be better of without me and I truly believe it. As it is now I have nothing to offer nothing to share but I want to find that spark that joy that is life. I think of what could be and and hope that some day soon I can say that I have lived. Today is not that day, this day I am in a mood of hopelessness and disrepair
It is not that easy fro me to convey how my mind works or why I would like to not be alive, there is just something in me that is broken, lost and would love to fix it yet I do nothing but waste away. IF only I could see myself as more than a waste, something that is living and not a waste.
I do hope and dream. I want more than what I have as does every other person that is out there but I do not go out and do what is needed. I need help and I do receive some but I need more. Medication and therapy only do so much what is left is up to me and I am the one who sees myself as this waist so how in the world am I going to find value in something I despise.
I seek a life worth living and I will do more to achieve it but I need someone who has no reason to say “You are worth it” Without it I am just an empty shell void of any determination to do what must be done.
I did not want to but I will still post this and hope that someone would give me feedback on it
It is not good at all when your mood gos from a happy one to a sad one with out any real reason. From having fund to wanting to die without any notice or real cause.
Yes I am sad that I have yet to get one donation for my indiegogo even if it is just day one. But that is not what set me off. I do not even know what set me off I just had my feeling hurt and took it too hard. Over a game, relay. Am I this messed up that I got upset by not being able to play the way I wanted. Yes and it sucks! I want a normal life I want to live I want to enjoy things and not get depressed when someone does something so minute. Odd thing I am done with the game I just left it. It is not an only game or a video game but one played in the mind called Dungeons and Dragons.
I got upset over not being able to play “smart” I am not one to “meta” but I felt that my character was going to be different to try and play something to try and be part of a world that is full of magic and wonder. And than told nope that is not common your character would not know it by the DM hurt. It is a world of magic and wonder, a world where the player is playing someone that is not typical.
A bit of a rant yes but you know what if I can not get that thing funded I shall need to find a way to live and to express myself. And to the few that read this if any as all I get is likes and subs but no comments would be nice to hear something even an insult.